Ratchet and Clank Learn a Life Lesson
by CrazyCartoonChick236
Summary: Ratchet and Clank find out Qwark's secret! Should they post it on Facebook?


One day, Ratchet and Clank were driving around the Universe in their super awesome spaceship. But not the retarded UFOs or those lame rockets you see in kiddy cartoons. It was an ultra-deluxe Space Traveler 9000, the newest state-of-the-art ship ever made, complete with long-distance radio, high-powered jets, triple cup holders, a smoothie maker, banana peeler, nose picker, Blu-Ray DVD player, seat warmer, shoelace tier, and a toilet.

But don't blame them for having so much swag. After all, they did save the Universe at least 7 times. Anyways, they were starving after killing a bunch of Gorbs on the planet Gorbulon 58, so they were heading for the McDonald's over near the Milky Way for a Big Mac and a large order of fries. But they'd get a small Diet Coke, of course, because they had to watch their glamorous figures.

"Man, Clank," Ratchet sighed as he quickly drove past an old lady trying to cross the Asteroid Belt, "I'm freaking tired from killing those innocent civilians that were doing absolutely no harm to us whatsoever. And I'm STARVING!"

Clank nodded in agreement. "Yes, I am quite famished as well."

"Don't worry, pal. We'll be at McDonald's in a few minutes." Ratchet turned on the radio to cover a large fart he had been holding for the past 10 minutes. It was long and loud. Fortunately for him, "Berzerk" by Eminem was playing and Clank didn't hear a thing. It was also stinky, but Clank has no nostrils so it was okay.

About 5 minutes later, they drove up to the McDonald's drive-thru window. Ratchet rolled down his window and stuck out his head out to the speaker box thing.

"Hello, and welcome to McDonald's! The leading fast-food franchise in the Universe, and the leading cause of childhood obesity! How may I humbly serve you?" said a familiar-ish voice from the speaker box thing.

"Yeah, uh. . . just get me 2 Big Macs and 2 large orders of fries. And get 2 small Diet Cokes, please," Ratchet commanded, "We have to watch our figures, after all."

"Yes, of course," said the voice on the speaker box thing, "Now, that will be exactly $7. Drive up to the next window and complete your transaction."

Ratchet drove up to the next window or whatever and got some money out of his wallet. When he looked up, he saw a surprised Qwark at the window. "Qwark?! WTF you doin' here?!"

"RATCHET?! Uh, I mean- I don't know you! I'm Qwark's twin brother. . . Steve!" the green-suited loser said.

"Whatever, Qwark! I KNOW it's you! I can tell because you still have that leech stuck to your butt from the last time I saw you!" Ratchet said, pointing to the large leech sucking out Qwark's butt blood.

"AARGH! CURSE YOU AND YOUR EXCELLENT MEMORY!" Qwark cured, yelling up into the sky and waving his fist into the air.

Ratchet then pulled out his iPhone and took a picture of Qwark in his dorky looking uniform and laughed evily.

"Why did you take that picture?" Qwark asked.

"Because I'm totally posting it to Facebook," Ratchet replied, showing the picture to Clank and laughing so much that he crapped himself.

"NO! Then everyone will know my secret and I'll be the laughing stock of the entire Universe!" Qwark cried.

Ratchet rolled his eyes. "That's the POINT, genius!"

"Please Ratchet! PLEASE keep this a secret!" Qwark begged.

"Oh, fine. But you're never coming over to my house to play TF2 ever again because you're a stupid dorky loser who works at McDonald's with a massive butt-leech!"

"DANGGIT!"

Ratchet flipped him off as he drove away, laughing at him with a mouth pull of fries. "Can you believe it, Clank? Qwark works in a drive-thru! How lame is THAT?!"

"While I think it is quite uproarious, I think you should be nice to Qwark. We have no idea why he works there, and it might be because of life problems."

Ratchet sighed, "Yeah, you might sorta-kinda be possibly right."

"Of course I'm right. Now give me my freaking burger because I'm hungry and I want to EAT SOMETHING BECAUSE I'M FREAKING STARVING AND I WANT FOOD NOWKBDWQK7y2347yt(&YR(& 379fhuqp927cb*&YG(G&."

Ratchet reached into the large paper bag and got out Clank's burger. He handed it to him, almost running into a space cow because he wasn't paying attention to driving.

Clank continuously stared at the Big Mac, until finally saying, "Ratchet?"

"Yes, Clank?"

"How am I supposed to consume this? I am a robot, and I cannot digest food."

"I don't know, just eat it!" Ratchet yelled, "I paid $7 for that crap and you are going to eat it and LIKE it!"

Clank shrugged and took a bite from the burger. "Too bad I do not possess taste buds. Or teeth. Or a stomach. Or a throat. Or a-"

"OKAY WE GET IT!"

Ratchet and Clank got home about 10 minutes later. They flopped themselves on the couch and began watching "Secret Agent Skrunch". It used to be "Secret Agent Clank", but when Clank got too prissy and uptight for the job, Skrunch the Cyclops Monkey Thingamajig took over the show. It has won two Grammy Awards since he became the main character.

"Skrunch is a very talented actor. He plays Viktor von Skroonch with such passion and grace," Clank commented.

"I agree. He TOTALLY should've won an Oscar," Ratchet added.

But Ratchet could not focus too well on the show. He had his mind set on his photo of Qwark at McDonald's. His subconscious was arguing with himself over whether to post it or not.

_**Racthet, do NOT post that picture! It will ruin Qwark's life!**_

"So? It'll be funny!"

_**So you'd expose Qwark's secret to the entire Universe just for a few laughs?**_

__"Yep."

_**C'mon, Ratchet! You're BETTER than this! I should know because I AM you!**_

"Whatevs. Qwark's a jerk and I hate him."

_**Oh, I'm sure he's done SOMETHING good for you!**_

__"He takes credit for everything I do, he tried to kill me 3 times, he sided with a villain even though he's supposed to be a hero, he created the most diabolical bad guy in the entire Universe, he's a jerk, he's a gay queer homosexual cross dresser dude, he literally gave a dangerous weapon to the murderer of my species, and he's a creepy pervert who's addicted to the crotchitizer device."

_**. . . .Wow. Yeah, freaking post that photo right now, bro.**_

__"You got it, Jeremy Crocket!"

"Ratchet, who are you talking to?" Clank asked.

"Jeremy Crocket, my conscience!" Ratchet answered.

Clank stared at him. ". . . Right. Well, what were you talking about?"

"Jeremy and I were discussing about whether I should post that photo or not. He said yes."

"Now now, Ratchet. I said it was a bad idea. You shouldn't do it." Clank scolded.

Ratchet scoffed, "You can't tell me what to do." He pulled out his iPhone and posted the photo on Facebook.

In 3.4 seconds, the post got over 5.7 billion gazillion likes. Comments were posted left and right from every single person in the Universe.

OMG I can't believe Qwark works at McDonald's!

lol! i am telling everyone about this! omg!

WTF WHY IS HE WORKING AT MCDONALD'S?! QWARKIS SUPPOSED TO BE A COOL SUPERHERO GUY!

y r qwark werk at fast food lol he is such a n00b and a loser haha

The news was spreading faster than diabetes, and soon everyone had seen the post. It became so popular that it appeared on the NEWS. It even appeared on T-shirts, billboards, coffee mugs, bus posters, and commercials. It became the topic for every single talk show for about a month.

Soon, Ratchet was a famous billionaire. He was rich. Richer than anyone could ever imagine. Ratchet used this money to buy more swag.

One day, as he was hot-tubbing with many large-breasted supermodels, Clank walked in. "Um, Ratchet?"

"Not now, Clank. I'm socializing," Ratchet said as the supermodels kept giggling and stroking Ratchet's luxurious rich-guy beard.

"But it's important!" Clank explained, "It's about Qwark!"

"Pffft! I don't care about him! He's a loser!" Ratchet scoffed.

"HE'S DEAD YOU MORON!" Clank yelled.

Ratchet lifted his monocle in confusion and stared at Clank in disbelief. "Dead?"

"YES! HE KILLED HIMSELF AFTER YOU POSTED THAT PHOTO ON FACEBOOK!" Clank scolded, "AND BEFORE THAT, HE GOT INTO DRUGS AND GOT HIGH WITH A BUNCH OF HIPPIES! THEN HE WENT INTO MALE PROSTITUTION AND WAS SEXUALLY HARRASSED BY THE PRESIDENT!"

Ratchet frowned, and a tear rolled down his furry cheek. Not only was he sad, but he also farted and it smelled bad.

"And you know what?" Clank said angrily, "The reason why he was working at McDonald's was because his mom was sick and he needed extra money to pay for her medical bills! He was also saving money to buy the new Steam OS by Valve!"

All of the supermodels shook their stupid blonde heads and got up out of the hot tub. One of them took a dump in Ratchet's ear.

"No, ladies! D-Don't go!" Ratchet begged.

"It's too late, Ratchet! Everyone hates you now! Including me!" Clank said, "So, was you short-lived fame worth it?!"

Ratchet pondered for a moment. ". . . . The correct answer is NO, right?"

Clank turned around and stomped out of the house, leaving Ratchet behind to wallow around in his own filthy poo-water.

After Ratchet's incident, he spent his days watching soap operas and eating ice-cream. Soon, he gained over 500 pounds and told his story over TV commercials, and talked about how he was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetus.

THE END


End file.
